My husband and I were really eager to have a baby so I was over the moon when I fell pregnant. As pregnancies went, mine was pretty normal, but because Alex was overdue, I was induced and needed a ventouse delivery (where the baby is helped out with the aid of a suction pad attached to the top of its head). His head was a funny shape because of that, but otherwise he was perfectly healthy. I was absolutely ecstatic and on a real high. Apparently this is one of the first symptoms of puerperal psychosis.
It was an incredibly hectic time for us as we had just moved into a new home one week before Alex was born, so when I started to feel anxious, I just put it down to the stress of moving home and giving birth at the same time. Initially, I was worried about the shape of Alex's head and that got to the point where I was scared to hold him. I felt certain that there was something terribly wrong with him. I've always been the sort of person who can take things in my stride so I tried not to worry too much.
A week after Alex was born, the thought, 'He's not mine', kept going round and round in my head. I became convinced that he was evil and that he was possessed by the Devil. I couldn't pick him up to cuddle him or stroke him - I was too scared.
A couple of days later, I opened the wardrobe in my bedroom to hang up a shirt and felt a whoosh, as though something had passed through me and that was it - I felt certain that it was me, and not Alex, who was possessed by the Devil. I was scared of everything and everyone around me.
I then became intensely paranoid: I imagined that my mother and my sister, with whom I normally got along brilliantly, were both having affairs with my husband. I also became suicidal.
By the third week my family had had enough. They called in our local GP who immediately diagnosed puerperal psychosis. It was such a relief to find out that I wasn't simply losing my mind. I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. For three weeks, I was treated with a mixture of antidepressants and tranquillisers, which affected my eyesight so that I couldn't see properly, but I started to feel better almost immediately. My symptoms had started in July and by November I was back to normal. Now I'm off the medication and back at my job as a recruitment consultant.
I can't quite believe it's all over. Alex is now a year old and a normal, sunny little toddler and I love him to bits. My one sure regret is missing out on the first few weeks of his life. I feel so guilty that I wasn't there for him and it seems incredible to me now that I ever felt about him in that way. There is a 70 pc chance that I will get puerperal psychosis again if I have another baby, but at least I know there's light at the end of the tunnel.
* Puerperal psychosis is one of three types of perinatal psychiatric disorders, the others being postnatal depression and postpartum blues. While postnatal depression and postpartum blues are common, puerperal psychosis affects only 1 in 500 women.
All women are potentially vulnerable, but this condition is more likely for those with some past psychiatric problems or those women who have has a traumatic delivery. ( dailymail.co.uk )
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